Duxford Girl

Yes, I realize that I often drift back to Blue Rodeo songs. I am aware of this issue in my life and I have no desire to correct it. I’d like to say that after my last blog entry that I’m going to lighten up a bit but it’s just not going to happen. The fact of the matter is, I have been blue a lot lately. It’s a slow night and unfortunately, that means a lot of “livin’ inside of my head’.

Part of this blueness is, I’m sure, the extended winter we’ve been experiencing. My escapes to the ski hill have done wonders to keep depression at bay but the minute I’m back on shifts after days off, I have trouble getting in a good head-space. It’s not so much work itself but I’ve had a lot of long six to nine day runs with very little break time in between. Added to that are the frequent short-change to long-change combinations. My sleep pattern becomes so interrupted that if I want to get a decent sleep, I have to resort to sleeping pills. For obvious reasons, this does not help with the depression. I know that I will be physically rested to work but I’ll be spending my time brooding about things.

I’m not one of those people that ever falls in the crapper and comes out with gold. When I’m down, I can’t help but resent this fact. I’ve noticed that when it comes to the light at the end of the tunnel, for me it’s quite often the headlights of an AC4400.

I’ve got this nasty tendency lately to watch movies only to the point where the main characters hit their lowest point in the story. I’ll watch ‘Bridgit Jones’ Diary’ until she’s sitting on the train back to London convinced that D’arcy is leaving the country but I won’t watch the happy ending. In Emma Thompson’s ‘Sense and Sensibility’ I stop the movie after Elinor accepts that the love of her life will marry someone else and she will go on as she always has. In BBC’s the office, I no longer bother with the Xmas special. I don’t want to lose myself in the contrived false hope of fiction that things will work out.

I think this must be why I stick to my mounds of history books rather than read fiction. Young men will always be butchered at Ypres. Nelson will always die and Emma will always be left a pauper. The HMS Hood will always sink. I needn’t be bothered that the characters in these records will have some amazing saving grace.

At any rate, spring seems to finally be here and hopefully I’ll be able to correct some of my depression with more light. I’ll be getting my bike in for a tune up this week so that I can start riding to work. Skiing has become, for the most part, a solitary diversion from the stress of my job and I am hoping to find a summer activity that will replace it until the season returns. I am planning on attending Paddlefest in June as I am interested in kayaking and it seems like a good place to learn more about the sport.

I also need to start limiting my carbs. Like it or not, it’s a sure-fired way to improve my mood. With that in mind, I promise that my next entry will be less morose.